Effects of Penguins on Global Warming
One of my friends recently wrote this essay for school. I fount it fairly amusing…
As Joe Moore once said, “It’s practically impossible to look at a penguin and feel angry.” For millennia, mankind hasadhered to this basic principle. However, no great person with mathematical or scientific methods has confirmed this philosophy. I feel that it is time that we adopt a different outlook on our arctic “friends”, an outlook that is radically different from what we have heard so far. However, for you to embark on this eye-opening quest, reader, you must empty your mind of all of you’re biases regarding these bitter demons. For the remainder of this essay, you must no longer imagine them as “cuddly”, “cute”, or “adorable”. Rather, for a short few minutes, imagine that they are beasts from the very gates of Satan’s lair.
For the remainder of this essay, I will focus only on one potential plot of these fiends we call penguins. The conspiracy in question is global warming, a phenomena that we are all familiar with. Traditionally, penguins are considered as the victim of this cataclysmic event. However, until now, now one has ever seriously considered the possibility that penguins are pernicious. Thus, no one has ever seriously considered the possibility that penguins are actually the conspirators in global warming, not the sad little “victims”.
However, reader, you most probably are wondering with what audacity I made that claim. The answer is simple; I currently possess no evidence. I have not yet gathered the resources to perform such complicated espionage. Regardless, I do have several pieces of information that will exponentially raise the suspicion on Spheniscidae (the scientific name for the penguin). Please bear with me if the evidence does not make sense at first; it will in time.
First off, penguins are generally regarded as being very formally dressed and proper in appearance. This is generally not regarded by the public as alarming (in fact, it’s usually taken as a sign of a well-mannered creature), but this is a mistake that multiple nations have made in the past. For example, take most of the dictators that have been present throughout history. Adolf Hitler. Benito Mussolini. Napoleon Bonaparte. All were extremely proper in manner of clothing, a sign that we should now realize is not always admirable.
Secondly, penguins, as mentioned before, are regarded by the public as being innocent and angelic. This is most probably part of the penguins’ plot of domination and revenge against mankind. For the penguins want to gain our trust, to use us. The once adored creatures will abuse our misplaced trust to gain vengeance. This has occurred several times in history, each time with disastrous results. Once with Benedict Arnold and the Revolutionary War; he caused thousands of deaths that might have been avoided. Once again with Julius Caesar and the Liberatores (the group of senators that killed Caesar), then many more deaths occurred. Due to his misplaced trust, many civil wars erupted and it led to the collapse of the republic. And I am undoubtedly sure that it happened numerous other times during history. With all of these cases, misplaced trust caused much damage to innocent people. A high-level leader(s) was given confidential information and privileges, and abused these powers. And we, as a race, should make sure that this devastating event does not repeat itself in history. We owe it to our ancestors that we do not repeat their mistakes of trust, of foolishness.
However, most of you will be yet doubting me again. You will be saying that there is no evidence that penguins will misuse our trust. I will admit that this it true, there is no concrete evidence that penguins are deceitful – concrete being the key word. I believe that in this particular situation, several probabilities should be enough to almost condemn penguins forever. I will base this off of the three necessities of a crime – means, motive, and opportunity. A criminal, to have sufficient guilt placed on them, must have be able to commit a crime (means), have a reason to commit a crime (motive), and an opportunity to commit a crime (opportunity).
I will start of proving penguins’ motive. What would penguins gain from global warming? This seems like a generally pointless and stupid question at first glance, but upon later and very extensive observation (and possibly several nights without sleep), a reason becomes apparent. Penguins are the first creatures to be considered victims of global warming, something that yet again allows them to steal our pity and trust. Penguins would then, using their powers of misplaced trust and apparent innocence, gain positions of power over much of the human population. If penguins were to cause global warming, then they would gain much, much more than they would otherwise. Even though this would require sacrificing several penguins due to adverse effects of this ploy (namely they’re habitat disappearing), I am certain that any penguin wouldn’t think twice about martyring himself. After all, in the end, it will benefit the greater good.
However, the question still remains about how they will cause global warming and when an opportunity will arise. I will first answer the easier question, an opportunity. As of now, only several scientists (and, occasionally, cameramen for Planet Earth) live in the Antarctic. With this total lack of surveillance, the penguins are virtually free to plot their conspiracy. They might be forced to assign several members to keep the scientists occupied (for blood samples and pictures), but they will, as a majority, be free to plot any conspiracy they want. In this particular case, they are plotting for global warming. Now that I have proved penguins’ motive and opportunity, I am faced to deal with the more difficult reason – means. I am not yet sure how this group of satanic demons will be able to cause global warming, but I am sure that it is in a method that our underdeveloped minds cannot comprehend without extensive pondering. Thus, I am not yet sure how they would go about executing this plot, but, as we all know, this is but the first paper documenting this crisis. In later write-ups, perhaps by a soul other then me, this question will likely be solved. However, for now, we must settle with 2 / 3 of the necessary evidence being present.
But this is well enough to convict them. In the United States Court System as well, it is not uncommon for someone with only 2 / 3 of these points against to be sentenced. I say that we follow this example before it is too late. I highly encourage all of you further research this topic and develop your own theories; they can do naught but further our sustainability on this world. Before I end this essay, I would like to come back to a statement that I made previously. I had said that all of these statements would make sense in time. However, I am confident that at least several readers will still be befuddled by this shocking news. As for this, I can only remain silent, as I am undoubtedly sure that the only reason that you have not understood this essay is that you still remain biased. I cannot help here reader; for if you choose to not accept your inevitable fate, I cannot be bothered. However, the rest of us, those who have realized, we shall be ones that will ensure Mankind’s continuity. I can only pray that you join us